Cats Galore at Hazelwood Home
Eluding the media frenzy after her “Escape From Bitch Mountain” in March, Miss Mary “Calamity” Jane has withdrawn completely and by all reports is making a fine recovery after her latest public meltdown. Citing personal reasons through a representative, no other explanation has been given.
Now we learn that during her retreat to “Hazelwood Home”, a town house just outside of Melrose where she has been living with a political ally and friend, Miss Jane may have been busy with more than just her health regime. Reports are coming out that her two feline companions were taken with kitten shortly before the departure from the Ranch, and have since given birth to a total of nine babies.
This may come as a shock to faithful fans, who recall that her cats are one male, one female. While no official statement has been given, rumors on the set of her new film drama “The Agorist” have it that Calamity explained this as simply “a mistake”, leading some of the less reputable tabloids to float speculations of transgender surgery and to characterize her personal trials as a reaction to family shame.
The Informer, however, can confirm through an insider that these sensational reports could not be further from the truth. Miss Jane simply misread an online diagram when identifying her kitten’s gender last summer. The source also confirms that the new kittens are healthy and happy, and are “like little teddy bears”.
UPDATE: A late-breaking source brings us news that Miss Jane has released a formal statement confirming the details above, adding that she will be having her feline companions spayed as soon as possible and promising a kitten to the first nine fans who respond. Details may be learned by contacting this reporter.
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